


Beginnings are always hard

by Apricock101



Category: Actor RPF, Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Actors, Anxiety, Beginnings, Charmie, Denial of Feelings, Desire, Feelings Realization, Filming, Hope, Inner Dialogue, Intimacy, M/M, On Set, RPF, Self-Doubt, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 21:46:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17906255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apricock101/pseuds/Apricock101
Summary: Takes place at the beginning of Call Me By Your Name production before the famous rehearsal kiss story. Written in Timmy's POV. Timmy is a very serious actor, but some new fantasies surprise him as he tries to hold it together as his dreams start to become reality and anxieties surface.





	Beginnings are always hard

"Well, we should figure out what we are comfortable with and like before we start filming. We have to make the intimacy and sensuality truthful," I said to Armie.

TRUTHFUL. This was a word I used a lot in interviews when talking about acting. It was almost cliché at this point, but I didn't care.

For me, it's the very key to making something good. It's got to ring with truth, it's got to feel real. If the emotion is contrived or if the audience starts thinking, 'that wouldn't happen,' 'that doesn't make sense,' it just takes them out of the story and makes them distant from your character.  Depicting truth is the very art and craft of acting --the ability to do that effectively, and believably, is what distinguishes a phenomenal actor from a mediocre one, and I want to be one of the grea--

"I used to love pulling hair..." Armie blurted and took me right out of my thoughts of working with my dream directors and replaced them with a new fantasy-- one not work related. 

"...You know, there was nothing like pulling hair at that right moment, getting a little rough, tying her up, a little bdsm..." he said.  His face enlivened and almost _glowed_ at this memory and his gaze seemed to drift off and transport him to a happy place that he looked like he hadn't visited in a long while.

"... And when I got married," he frowned and his face dimmed as the corners of his mouth turned down, "I guess I 'matured' because I just couldn't do those things with Elizabeth. I respected her too much to do those things to her..." he explained.

It was awkward hearing this despite my initial inquiry into his sexual likes. I guess I hadn't been prepared for his candor about his relationship's weak spots along with it. That's why I was surprised to hear him continue further. 

"Don't get me wrong," he backtracked, "It's fun as hell with her, and we laugh a lot..." he said unconvincingly, his voice growing softer.

He said he knew that it sounded like he's unsatisfied with his wife, or as if she's some stuck up princess who wouldn't allow him to do kinky stuff with her, but he didn't think that. Despite his continued protestations and confident mannerisms though, his strained face and pained voice revealed a vulnerable longing, not unlike Oliver, I noted. 

He continued to defend his relationship to me unnecessarily: He loved Elizabeth. She's the mother of his children. She's been with him through all his career ups and downs, even for years before they were married she had been his friend in LA who listened to his audition and dating misadventures. She's followed him to his on-location shoots, she's been backstage at all his interviews and press junkets, accompanied him to all the award shows and galas. She's been his true companion and partner, even his best friend. Maybe it's not as hot as he'd want his sex life to be, but what he _did_ have was something he'd never want to jeopardize...

"Uh, Okayyyy, um, good to know, Armie..." I said when he finally seemed finished with his personal monologue. I was blown away by the extent to which he felt comfortable sharing with me though we'd only met a couple of days before. It seemed that talking about intimacy had opened a wound unintentionally, so I smiled at him reassuringly and touched his shoulder, eager to shift the conversation so Armie wouldn't be embarrassed about all he'd said.   
  
I was eager to change the subject for another reason, as well.  

As soon as I had heard Armie say  _pulling hair_ and  _tying up_ I started to get flushed and hard. I didn't know why the thought of Armie pulling my hair and having my wrists tied above my head aroused me so quickly and intensely, but as those images flashed in my mind, I did my best to focus and listen to Armie and push them away.  Hearing him drone on about Elizabeth helped, but I knew that something had been sparked inside that I had to contain. I needed to be professional. I had a huge responsibility to think about.

I was scared to think about it too much though, otherwise it'd paralyze me.

**_This is my first lead role._ **

I'd only gotten a meeting with Luca because of the sheer 'luck of the universe' that my agent Brian knew Luca because he also manages Tilda Swinton, one of Luca's best friends and frequent collaborators.  She has starred in many of Luca's films, but not this one. This one is all on my shoulders now --and Armie's, of course. 

Making Elio and Oliver's intimacy convincing and truthful is the most important thing in this project, so Armie and I are definitely going to have to revisit this topic before filming commences. We just finished our two day table read through of the script with the cast and will have a couple of weeks of key scene rehearsals at Luca's house privately and then off to the villa. I don't want the author, André Aciman, or the fervent fans of the book to hate me, so I can't screw this up. 

So far, my connection with Armie seems good, and us opening up more to each other can only enhance our on screen chemistry so I'm not too worried about it now. In fact, after what he'd just told me, I don't think making the attraction and arousal seem real will be a problem at all...

What's got me worried are those damn piano scenes I have to do all in one shot! Those are my biggest concern right now.

Why, oh why did I let Luca believe I was a better player than I am? I have to nail this. Elio is such a gifted musician, while I just halfheartedly took lessons from ages 8-12 and was unashamedly relieved when I stopped just before I went to LaGuardia.

At the time, I hadn't thought that I really needed more piano skills. I mean, I wasn't going to be a music major, I was a drama major.  Sure, I did some rapping, but Lil Timmy Tim was just a character for me, an acting exercise, not a real musical dream. I never seriously wanted to be a music star the way so many others at the school did because I knew I could never be as good as Kid Cudi and my other rap idols, so I wasn't even considering it.

What I wanted was to be an actor of the caliber of Joaquin Phoenix and Heath Ledger, and knew I actually had the potential and the passion for it, so I chose to stick to drama, and put Lil Timmy Tim into retirement a long time ago.. 

I never anticipated that years later on a film set faced with the reality of pulling off a role as a piano prodigy, I'd regret giving up those lessons.  

I never told Luca I had doubts these years because he might have reconsidered casting me, and I couldn't let that happen.  I knew as soon as I read the book that this was something I had to be a part of. I felt this pressure in my whole body and knew I _had_ to play Elio. This was a huge opportunity. A character like this-- so complex and contradictory -- doesn't come along often for young actors.

I'd been waiting 3 years, and had almost given up hope about the movie ever even happening because year after year, when Luca said, "Maybe _this_ summer..." it just never panned out. I wasn't naive, I knew that sometimes movies just don't get made, even with the best of intentions and efforts. So, when I finally got the call and Luca said, "Right after you wrap Prodigal Son, come to Italy," I couldn't believe it. It was really happening.

And now, I'm here -- with Armie _fucking_ Hammer, of all people, aka the Winklevoss Twins from The Social Network, a legendary movie for my generation, and I'm still pinching myself. He's nicer, more handsome, and more affectionate than I could have ever hoped for.

At this point, to admit to Luca that I exaggerated my piano playing abilities would just have him lose faith in me and I couldn't bear that. So, I have to practice my ass off and pray that on the day of shooting I can do it without thinking.

I don't know why, but it feels like destiny to be here in this tiny town in Italy with Luca and the cast and crew. I'm the luckiest kid in the world to have Armie as my dance partner in this. It's like we've really just hit it off as human beings who genuinely like each other, or something. 

This feels like nothing else I've ever done before, and I don't know why or how, but this already feels life changing and we've only just begun.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first post on ao3. It was originally written around March 2018, but I recently made some edits. It was supposed to be a prelude to their famous rehearsal first kiss story, but right after I wrote this, I read another fic that was a masterful version of that rehearsal kiss, and gave up the idea, thinking I couldn't do it better.
> 
> Friends urged me to continue, (I think they just wanted to me to eventually get to some fluff!), but I had lost my inspiration to continue beyond what is here. 
> 
> I wrote a couple of other short single pieces over this last year, once again hoping that I might be inspired to continue something longer, but as a confessional poet and personal essayist at heart, I'm more a creative nonfiction writer than a fiction writer, and you can see that come across in this piece. 
> 
> I integrated a lot of direct quotes and facts taken from real interviews and articles with the actors. This is still completely my fictional interpretation of those facts and any errors are my own.
> 
> I created this account to have these "single shots" all in one location and hopefully, to be reinspired to continue, and for any new ideas to have a home.
> 
> All comments welcome!! If you'd like me to continue, lmk, I'm open to the idea. Co-authoring or collabs are possibilities too, so hmu.


End file.
